Behaving well almost always behooves you. That is especially true when eating out. Having spent ample time behind the scenes in the food industry, I can assure you, one and all, that if you mistreat the people that prepare and ferry your food, you run a high risk of it being tampered with. (By ‘tampered’ I mean deliberately over-or-under-cooked, spit upon, dropped on the floor, or any other monkey shines the staff come up with.) Be nice to the food handlers. They are generally overworked, underpaid, routinely disrespected, and itching for revenge.
Once you’ve mastered ‘being nice’ you can aspire to such lofty heights as Perfect Customer. Because lofty heights can be impossible to reach without an insider’s wisdom, allow me to assist.
#1 – Tip well. Seriously folks. If you frequent a place, tip well. It could save the day, or your life. Servers who know (and like) you will go out of their way to make sure you have a decent dining experience. They will also give you vital advice like “don’t order the clam chowder, the new kid accidentally shut off the soup pot for two hours.”
#2 – Pay attention. Sure, you’ve gathered with your co-workers for a group lunch, but that’s no excuse to make the server stand at attention while you finish telling a five-minute joke. That server has better things to do than wait for your punch line. When the server walks up, have enough human decency to respect their shortage of time, stop the chatter, and get the ordering underway. (This does not apply to you if you are the Queen of England or a member of the Supreme Court. Everyone else: be courteous.)
#3 – Don’t be slower than the Second Coming. (That’s respectful to the server as well as to your dining companions.) If you are so indecisive or so slow on the uptake that you can’t peruse the menu and make a decision in five-ten minutes, don’t eat out. This applies for ordering with small children – if your toddler can’t state his choice quickly and firmly, order for him, quickly. No one (I repeat NO ONE) should have to stand around for a quarter of an hour while little Jimmy goes “uh… I dunno… uh… I dunno… um…. I dunno.”
#4 – Be fair. If you’re a vegan, on a gluten-free diet, allergic to MSG, or just plain picky, don’t expect an restaurant to cater to you. If you’re offended by the lack of options, wait until you get home, write a letter to Applebee’s headquarters, or call the manager. Don’t abuse the server. If you must, tell the hostess or server before you sit down that you have dietary restrictions and ask if they can accomodate you. If they can’t, be polite.
#5 – Be realistic. Sometimes customers want to swap out their fries for a salad. Typically, that’s no big deal. But draw the line. If you wanted cottage cheese, falafel, or organic spinach drizzled in raspberry vinagrette with that burger, you probably should’ve eaten at home. And when the server can find no crazy substitution for the fries you don’t want, don’t turn small-time and ask if you can have the side-less burger at a discount. (In a way, that’s more for your dining companions. No one wants to be seen in public with a person that stingy, much less sit down with them. I’m serious. I’ve seen it, I’ve heard it. Watching people squirm over their friend’s miserly behavior is painful. If your state of poverty is so accute that you feel you need to save money on an entree side, you should not be in a restaurant.)
#6 – Cooperate. Don’t want that quarter-cup of cold coffee to diminish the warmth of the refill? Then finish drinking it already. Busy servers do not have time to empty your mug (that’s your job, you’re supposed to drink it). They also do not have the patience (or, again, the time) to keep checking up on you because you have OCD and don’t want the cup filled until it’s all the way empty. Just let them top it off and move on. Otherwise, they won’t go on a coffee run again until you’ve finally finished and sat there for twenty minutes wishing you had more to drink.
# 7 – Be an adult. Sometimes you have to live with a less-than-perfect situation. Sometimes, you have to content yourself with 3 pickles instead of 5, or patty sausage when you wanted link. Pick something you know you can live with, and live with it. Don’t be the rube saying a thing like “I kind of want the oatmeal, but does it come with brown sugar? It does? Well, then, can you check the expiration date on it, and tell me how it was stored? I can’t stand hard brown sugar. And it’s not very fresh, could I have a side of maple syrup instead? But is it made with real mapeline, or not? Because I won’t eat the kind that’s made from corn syrup.” Don’t be that person. Everyone (everyone) hates that person.
I’m sorry if this was long-winded or harsh. (I told you, being the Perfect Customer is not easy.) For the record, none of this was fabrication or even exaggeration. Everything here I have seen, heard, or (Fates forgive me) done. But being a great customer is a worthy goal. It’ll make your dining experiences better and someone else’s work day a little less harrowing.
Tags: coffee, customer, food service, restaurants